I can’t help feeling that I waited far too long to start spending time with my children.
That sounds paradoxical, because we spend the most time with our babies when they need us most. But those needs are physical. Whenever we had to go somewhere, I was keen for someone to come and look after the children in their own environment rather than take them with me.
You already know that even a half-hour outing with a baby takes serious preparation. The bag, and in the bag: one change of clothes, a second change of clothes, nappies, wipes, powder, a bottle, a dummy, socks. And that one extra thing I would usually forget, which would then turn out to be absolutely essential for that outing. And then the tactics – where can I get the pushchair, is it appropriate to sit on a café terrace, what if the baby gets hungry, what if they don’t fall asleep on time and start screaming and people begin shooting us looks??? Let’s just stay at home – better half an hour on our own than an hour and a half of struggling with them. Or the first trip to the seaside with a baby. The high-altitude, field-style preparations and the managerial consultations with the entire extended family, the neighbours, the colleagues and friends are unavoidable. Seasoned with warning horror stories about how such-and-such got on with their baby at the seaside. Sudden illnesses, whingeing, refusing the sea, temperatures, allergies, more exhaustion than rest. When you add it all up, it’s best to give up and wait until the children are grown, and then have a lovely time, with a responsible person who’ll actually remember it.
Well… no.
There’s no waiting and no putting things off. Parenting is beautiful. They just should have told us that it’s also very challenging (not to use more honest words – gruelling, tiring, hard). Babies won’t remember the details of a trip, that’s true. But they will be forming habits. Besides, emotions are what we remember. Just try to recall one of your earliest childhood memories. Almost certainly you’re somewhere out and about with your parents, doing something out of the ordinary. Speaking of memories, believe me, even exhausting holidays with babies become hilarious memories in just a couple of years.
I say I waited too long to start spending time with my children because the time when they become independent enough and stop needing your constant presence comes far too quickly. We juggle our own obligations, their schedules, their training sessions, and it isn’t always easy to fit it all together. That’s why I feel we should be more relaxed about planning time with our children. If they ask to come with us to the shop, to visit relatives or for a walk – I’ve learned to say yes! And those can be little moments I steal from the day. Sometimes it turns out that our best chats happen on the way to the supermarket.
I once talked with friends about childhood memories. And however different they were, they all came down to spending time with parents. For one person it was the Sunday trip for burek, for another fishing, for someone else watching the children’s winter programme. Or simple rituals like setting the table for breakfast and bringing out the special plates and glasses. We often forget that small, everyday activities are key to strong family bonds. Shared moments build the foundations for trust and love. Rituals bring a sense of security and happiness. And it doesn’t have to be anything big.
As children get older, the range of shared activities grows. Children will mostly love doing everything with their parents. Going to work with you. Coming to love your hobbies. Watching films and series with you. At one point I realised that our places would soon be taken by friends. That’s why we created a little ritual of shared activities. Sometimes we play Uno, sometimes word association, we watch Slagalica, a Serbian TV quiz show, together before we all scatter to our own plans for the evening. On Sundays we make pancakes together. Their tasks in that process keep getting more complex. Now they even come with their own suggestions for what the topping should look like.
And maybe that’s the best thing about spending time together. Board games and sport are just the backdrop for them to open up. It has often happened that only over a game do they start talking about what happened during their day, after my questions when they got home from school had gone almost unanswered. On the other hand, it’s lovely when you find out what their interests are. When they want to try something new, to see something, and they come to their parents first to suggest doing it together.
And then, just when you think that hanging out with friends is absolutely the priority in a teenager’s life, you get a call to go out and shoot some hoops with them. It’s a lovely night and they decide they want to do it at least once a week because they love sharing with you what they love most.
And it feels really good.
