Parenting is an art of building trust and love, and those bonds between parents and children are created from the earliest childhood through everyday gestures of attention, listening and honest communication.
While children are small, we often forget how important it is to give them our full attention and complete presence, which we can hardly be blamed for given the hectic pace of life that almost all of us lead these days. We often interrupt them while they are speaking, we don’t show patience when they want to tell us something, and we often jump to conclusions out loud and pass judgement on something our child has said. Although it may not seem significant in that moment, such moments build the foundations for a future relationship. If we don’t listen to them now, they are unlikely to confide in us later, when they need it most.
Remember yourself as a child
I have a little secret – when I don’t know how to act as a parent, I remember my own childhood. I’m lucky enough to remember a great deal from my childhood, so I try to apply in my relationship with my children what I loved when I was little. It’s not said for nothing: “Be for your child the person you needed when you were a child.”
If my children called me to sit on the floor and play with them with the little furniture, Lego, figurines, toy cars, I would throw myself completely into the role, as if I were a child again. Not as an adult who has sat down to play with them, but as “one of them”. I ran with them around the park, and when they invited me into the little house they had made, I behaved as if I were a guest at the most important tea party. Sitting and playing with children is an priceless experience and a real privilege. It’s not just an opportunity for fun, but also for building trust and closeness. When I join in their play, they feel that I understand and respect them. I don’t look down on them, but join them in their world.
In that way we didn’t just have fun, we also built a strong, unbreakable bond.
Let’s make something together
Another way we build our relationship is through joint projects. Whatever the season, we love making something together. Along with going to the market together in autumn and visiting children’s theatre shows, we agree that we’ll collect leaves, pine cones and conkers and make figures out of them following tips from the internet. In winter you can build a multi-storey house out of cardboard boxes, and in summer, for example, out of lolly sticks, and then decorate them. Those moments of working together don’t just develop children’s creativity, they also strengthen your bond.
Through those projects, a child learns patience and teamwork, and especially enjoys the feeling of having achieved something, of successfully finishing it with a visible result, while I feel that we are creating memories.
Listen to them, but really patiently and carefully
If we don’t learn to respect their words and feelings while they are small, they won’t come to us when they are big either, when they want to tell us proudly about something, complain about something, or ask for advice when they have problems. That’s why it’s crucial to give them our attention and talk to them as with little people – people whose thoughts matter.
Listening isn’t just about hearing what our children are telling us – how we listen matters too. To truly understand their inner world, it’s helpful to ask them questions. But not just any questions, rather open questions that encourage them to think and allow them to express themselves in a deeper way. Instead of asking: “Did you have a nice time at nursery?”, it’s better to ask: “What was the most interesting thing that happened at nursery today?” or “Who did you play with most today?”.
Such questions encourage them to open up and share their experiences, thoughts and feelings. In that way we get an insight into their little worlds and develop a deeper understanding of their needs and emotions. Besides the fact that we will understand the child’s perspective more clearly and better, the child will also see that we understand them better and will feel closer to us.
A book, a game, a series – conversation starters
I love those moments when we laugh together or discuss books, because in those moments we feel that special connection. The book we are reading becomes “our” book.
With school-age children it can also be a series suitable for their age that we watch together with a complete ritual involving popcorn and juice, and during “film night”, after each episode comes an analysis of the characters and events.
Also, both children and adults are particularly relaxed while playing a board game – that’s when they say whatever comes into their heads. Afterwards, there’s still plenty of retelling of who bought what from whom in Monopoly or how we reacted when someone “ate” us while we were playing Ludo.
With school-age children: out for cake and a walk
As children grow, they strive for independence, they turn more and more to their peers, confide in them, seek advice from them, rely on them, and drift away from us – which is entirely natural. Still, I’ve noticed that my children open up most during walks. When we leave the house, free of obligations and everyday distractions, our conversations flow more easily. A convenient and spontaneous moment for a chat is when we sit down together in a café for an ice cream or a lemonade. A relaxed setting often gives them the space to open up and share thoughts they wouldn’t otherwise say at home.
What matters most to me is to build a relationship in which children will always know they can come to me. When we show them that their thoughts and feelings are not less important just because they are children, it means something to them and they remember it. And then, when moments of doubt or problems come, they will know they can rely on us. Our bond is built from day to day, through small, everyday moments, and that is what makes parenting so special.
