Building a strong bond between parents and children
Sounds simple, doesn’t it? Is there a stronger bond in nature than the one between children and parents? Nature has arranged it all, genes and hormones do their job. But is it really like that?
Once upon a time, when my children weren’t even a twinkle in my eye, I made plans about how I would be the best parent in the world. Mostly that meant I would bask in praise about how my child was calm, didn’t cry, didn’t demand attention, didn’t need to be rocked, slept alone in their room, got only top marks and recited little poems for my guests. And everyone would say: “How beautifully she’s brought them up.” Oh, how wrong I was.
Around the time of my first labour, people started talking more intensely about the first contact with the baby. How that moment is crucial for creating a lasting bond, and that we should ask the doctors to give us the baby after birth, to hold them skin to skin. It was a lucky coincidence that both the nurses and the doctors had heard of this, so they gave me my baby without me even having to ask. And I don’t remember much, it’s all a bit of a blur. But that feeling on my lips, the touch of the softest skin in the world, I will never forget. In that whirlwind of events that labour brings with it, that kiss brought relief and a euphoria that managed to overcome the pain. At least for a moment.
Now then. It sounds very simple – hug your children to build a strong bond. But it’s often forgotten, because after labour you’re bombarded with advice on how to be successful. Here are a few tips you’re welcome to forget.
Don’t get the baby used to being held!
That’s the great imperative of successful parenting, because all babies are the same and if you’re persistent enough you’ll teach them to fall asleep on their own in their cot, and then you’ll have the night to yourself. I have sad news. It’s not like that. Some babies simply want to be rocked. And enjoy it. Learn how to settle them to sleep in a way that’s easier for you too. Whether it’s the ancient method where the two of you hold the corners of a blanket until they fall asleep, or the method of rocking the baby “on your legs”, or whether you’ll both sway together in a sling – you decide. It helped me, because I’d watch films or listen to the radio, or we’d both laugh and chat while we swung that blanket. So, let them get used to being held. It’ll pass. And you’ll catch yourself wanting to comfort your big child just like when they were a baby, but they haven’t fitted in your lap for ages.
Children must never sleep in your bed!
Who says? That’s what they say, it’s not good, children have to sleep in a separate room. Nothing has to be anything. You just have to follow your own rhythm and your child’s rhythm. I’m convinced I wouldn’t have survived some temperatures if they hadn’t slept with us. They would have been fine, but I was the one who needed that cuddle. Let the children sneak into bed. Even birds don’t leave the nest until they’re ready. And it’ll pay off. Because when tearful babies become silent teenagers, you’ll get a sudden outpouring of love when they nestle between you while you’re watching telly in the afternoon. Without a word, with their blanket, they fall asleep.
And then the shared moments just keep coming. There’ll be ups and downs. But you just need to let go of the idea that parenting is a serious, strict business and that children and parents lead separate lives. So take the children for a juice when you go out with friends, take them along when you visit relatives, let them come shopping with you, let them come to your work even just briefly, call them over when you’re fixing the cooker or making buns. If someone disapproves, let them disapprove. Have them help you. Watch a film together, play cards or board games. Believe me, that period when they want to be by our side constantly passes quickly. And when you realise that basketball with friends has taken the place of coffee with you on their list of priorities, you’ll know you have wonderful memories. And simply the habit of spending time together.
Here, try to remember the best moments from your childhood. I’m convinced it isn’t a present you were given. But going to my dad’s work and the importance I felt as he showed me how everything worked at the petrol station, and then the break while he drank his coffee and I had a thick juice – that day I will never forget.
It sounds simple because it is. Hug and kiss your children and share as much as you can with them.
